My favorite part about Valentine’s Day has always been the opportunity to be creative and have fun with puns when making cards. Now I have Xavi to put on the cards — even if is tough to cut around his head of curls. He sure does make holidays more fun (or stressful depending on the holiday).
Click either card for the Flickr album with the rest of Xavi’s toddler-ific valentines. Some are written to his family.
It’s been exactly one year since I returned to work after a 3 month maternity leave. It was a tough morning and the week leading up to my return was filled with anxiety.
I don’t cry when I leave to work anymore and there are no balloons in my office. I settled in to a new routine, pumping in my office stopped being awkward, and I liked commuting by bus because it gave me some time to myself to read or just stare out the window.
These days my schedule has changed due to my fitness class. I leave to work later, occasionally I’ll get some morning play time in with Xavi. Sometimes he doesn’t even wake up before I leave. And then there are the mornings where he cries a little as I leave. It’s not a full on meltdown, but it still makes me feel guilty. I feel better knowing he adores Lupe, his babysitter. (He runs to her when she arrives.)
Aside from my schedule, the other big change is that I stopped pumping in September. I was down to one pump a day and was planning to stop after Xavi’s birthday but didn’t want to affect nursing at home. He shows no interest in weaning and I’m cool with that. Anyway, one day I just didn’t get around to pumping and felt okay. If I have an extra long day, I’ll still take the pump. (In that first month when breastfeeding felt like the hardest thing ever, I didn’t imagine that at almost 15 months I’d still be gladly breastfeeding.)
I stay later on the days I workout to make up the time. Sean is typically home first and he brings Xavi out for a walk to meet me. It’s my favorite part of the day to see tiny Xavi walking with Sean toward me on the sidewalk. Sometimes they’re already on the corner and I can hear Xavi’s happy screaming when he spots me getting off the bus from across the street.
Once we are both home, Sean starts dinner while I nurse Xavi. Afterward, we sing (current favorites are “Puff the Magic Dragon” and “Little Black Raincloud”), read, play hide-and-seek, go out for walks to checkout the neighborhood dogs and play with his plethora of toys. I also do a lot of chasing to make sure he stays out of the kitchen. He moves surprisingly fast. At least he’s a noisy walker/runner so I know when I need to hustle.
After dinner Sean takes care of bathing Xavi and I start cleaning up in the kitchen, making lunch with the leftovers or getting ready to put Xavi to bed.
Then we go to bed and I read a little before showering and getting my stuff ready for the next day.
***
I marked my anniversary of being a mom + full-time worker bee by staying home with the little guy. Lupe is visiting family in Houston so Sean and I are taking turns staying home. Today we went to the doctor for a checkup, had a long afternoon nap, walked around the neighborhood to check out Halloween decorations, practiced climbing the stairs and met up with Sean on his walk home.
Most new mom bloggers I read — at least those focused on fitness and running — seem to write the “body after baby” post almost as soon as they have the baby. I waited a while.
***
I wrote the following when I was 39/40 weeks pregnant.
“Are you sure your due date is in a month?”
“You look like you’re ready to pop!”
“Wow, you’re getting big!”
“Are you sure you’re not having twins in there?”
I haven’t heard any of these comments, I’ve just read about them on blogs, message boards, and Facebook groups. Instead, I’ve heard comments from family, co-workers, nurses and others that I don’t look like I’m that far along or that I look small. One nurse asked if I was gaining enough weight. Family members commented on my lack of a large bump. My cousin Nancy even accused me of exaggerating it — she was half right. Although my doctor was never concerned about my weight gain or Meatball’s size, those comments made me wonder if he was growing okay.
Honestly, I felt a little left out since it took a while for me to even get the occasional “Are you pregnant?/When are you due?” question from a stranger. In this case, the person was not a stranger, but a student I worked with. While my co-workers all knew early in the second trimester, I never actually told the 4 work-study students in our office or the dozens of students I coordinate in research programs. That just would be weird. In mid-May (30 weeks along), I got my first “are you expecting?” question. I was happy because finally I was starting to look pregnant rather than as if I’d just gained weight. When I told Sean, he replied, “Ah, youth. They haven’t learned to avoid that question at all costs.” I replied that I didn’t mind, plus the student got a pass because he’s in nursing and has done a nursing round in labor and delivery at a local hospital. One of our work-study students didn’t even know I was pregnant until June probably because I’m usually sitting at a desk.
The only other time I’ve received much attention about my body and weight gain/loss was four years ago when I was in the process of losing 60 pounds. In both cases, the comments about the changes came from friends, family, and co-workers. During weight loss there were more comments that made me feel uncomfortable and self conscious. Sure, I liked that my efforts were noticed, but for me there was a “right” way and time to acknowledge the differences. The same goes for pregnancy. I’ve been lucky that I work and am surrounded by people who are (a) just very sweet or (b) know what not to say.
***
Written in early 2014
I know that was a bit smug and humble-braggy, probably why I never felt it was ready to publish. And then Xavi was born and writing wasn’t a priority.
Now 4.5 months postpartum this has come back. I remember reading another mom blogger’s update about her newborn son’s 2nd week. At the end of it she made a comment about already being in her pre-pregnancy jeans. I felt pretty shitty reading that. For the first few weeks, I felt like a slug. Nothing fit and and I felt frumpy in everything. This wasn’t such an issue since I really didn’t have anywhere to go and could get away with wearing yoga pants and tank tops all day. If I needed to wear actual pants, I wore my maternity jeans. When I returned to work, I bought a couple new pairs of jeans with a gift card my aunt gave me (thanks, tía Nelly).
***
Written recently
Losing the weight I gained during pregnancy and the year before that hasn’t been a priority.
Five years ago, I worked really hard to get to my current weight. 165 was my driver’s license weight, that way low-balled number you put on the DMV forms. Sure, it was higher than what I was used to in recent years, but I was still 30 pounds away from where I had been at one point. It took me 5 months of meticulously tracking everything I ate to make sure I stayed within my points and running 4-5 times a week before I got to the 160s. I feel okay giving myself some leeway in the mad dash to lose the baby weight.
I had other priorities besides getting in to a certain pair of jeans — spending time with Xavi and Sean, keeping up my breastmilk supply and getting a little more sleep. I did miss running, but when I tried to start again I’d get discouraged by being so out of shape. I do want to get back to running and being more fit especially since Xavi started walking (4 days after his first birthday) and I need to keep up with him.
In August I began a free 12-week fitness class, Bruin Health Improvement Program’s (BHIP) On Ramp. The intro class is described as a “comprehensive strength and conditioning program.”
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but everyone I know who has taken the class highly recommends it. I would have signed up earlier, but was still pumping three times a day and wasn’t sure I’d have time to commit to an hour class three times a week. I still need to get work done.
So far, BHIP has been awesome. I’ve never stuck with a fitness class for more than 1 or 2 sessions. I preferred running on my own schedule. BHIP is different. Our class is tiny compared to the evening sessions. BHIP offers morning sessions too, but I’d rather sleep and have a little more Xavi time.
The workouts are crossfit style without the competitiveness or weird names. Since our class is usually 8 people, we get a lot of individual attention from the two instructors. They are also really motivating for those times when I just want to quit because it’s too damn hot out. It’s also nice to get out of my office and check out the campus I know and love. I’m the kind of person who eats lunch at my desk.
I like being back at the track where I used to do speed workouts for marathon training. I didn’t know much about BHIP then because I wasn’t eligible for the program. Now I’m the one in a corner doing workouts and watching the very fit athletes — Olympians, pros and D1 athletes — who are on the track or stairs for their midday workouts. I even spotted Kevin Durant out there once.
For the first week or so I was very sore and felt in over my head. Maybe I should have taken the BHIP 0.5 class focused on weight loss for more sedentary folks. Nevertheless, I’m starting to see results. I still can’t do a proper pushup, but I am getting stronger. I’ve also lost a little bit of weight even though I’m not concentrating on the nutrition aspect. It could just be water weight since I sweat a lot with outdoor midday workouts. The main physical differences are probably my awkward tan lines.
I’m still far from getting to pre-pregnancy clothes, but that’s okay. At least my sister Lori will get some use out of them. I had a moment when I saw her in one of the dresses I wore at my goal weight. I expected my old clothes to fit her a little loose, but the dress fit perfectly. I couldn’t believe I was that small. I forgot that one of my weightloss goals was to fit in to Lori’s clothes.
The experience was a little unsettling to see how far away I am from my goal weight. But that’s okay, it’s also motivation to know what sticking to a plan and moving more can do for my body and mind.
Like a lot of other new parents, Sean and I take a lot of photos of our son. We’ve slowed down a little bit partly because Xavi has sped up — it’s tough when he’s always on the move! — and Sean is done with his one-a-day project. He committed to posting one photo a day on Facebook for the first year. I loved seeing the daily photos he would post. It was a nice treat to get to see each new photo, as if I didn’t see Xavi all the time. We also did monthly photo shoots. It’s fun to see how big he’s (and his hair) grown.
Sean made each label and we reused the 99 Cents Store frames that held table numbers are our wedding.
We used the same newborn size outfit for month and two to show the growth. He was so tiny!
He was Robin for Halloween. Sean was Batman.
Our in-laws came to visit in November. My MIL picked out several items at Baby GAP and even signed Xavi up for a card. She still sends him boxes of clothes.
More GAP clothes.
He has a lot of superhero clothes.
You can’t see the back, but this is a Derek Jeter onesie (Sean’s favorite Yankee these days).
It’s time for Dodger baseball!
Spring gear.
Ready for the World Cup!
No contaban con mi astucia! Xavi represents Mexican pop culture figures too.
Excited to be one!
Xavi’s birthday was ten days ago. I’m still processing it. Not really, I’m just slow to write.
Getting emo listening to Las Mañanitas on Alt.Latino. Soon I’ll get to sing this to Xavi. Baby’s first mariachi serenade…
What I didn’t reveal in that tweet a few weeks ago is that I wasn’t just emotional. I was full on crying at my desk before the singer got to “el día en que tu naciste, nacieron todas las flores” (the day you were born/all the flowers were born — inspiration for the title of Xavi’s birth story).
Luckily I have tissues at my desk and no one seemed to notice that my eyes were a little red. I didn’t have to explain to anyone that I was crying because a certain number of days had passed and my tiny newborn was now a 50-something week old.
I’ve always been sentimental and one of those people who cries easily (see: Toy Story 3 — I wouldn’t even deign to see watch that now). Getting pregnant and having Xavi multiplied that at least five-fold. I lost whatever poker face I used to have. To be fair, the version Jasmine and Felix, the AltLatino hosts, played was one of the most beautiful recordings of “Las Mañanitas” I’ve heard.
And all I could think was how I’d be singing it for Xavi so very soon. I’d sing it as soon as he woke up for the morning, still groggy, smiling and looking up at me.
***
I sang “Las Mañanitas” to Xavi shortly after he woke up on his birthday. Sean was already gone for work. It was just us two (sort of, my in-laws were in the guest room) cuddling in bed on a warm summer morning. It wasn’t too unlike last August wwhen Xavi was still single-digit weeks old and Sean had already returned to work. Of course those days felt so long, so slow. The nights even more. At some point — probably when I went back to work — they just started to zoom by. Three, six, nine months. The firsts piled on faster than I could blog about them.
I don’t know if Xavi liked “Las Mañanitas.” He didn’t clap nor smile like he does when I sing his favorites (“All I want for Christmas,” “Part of Your World,” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”).
It’s okay if he’s not in to this tradition yet. At least he’s down with the piñata.
Lotería Chicana 