By the end of the fireworks show, I was crying. They weren’t big tears. I don’t think Alan, Danny or Lori even noticed. During the show, they were fixated on the sky like everyone else on Main Street. Afterward, we rushed through Main Street trying to beat the throngs exiting the park.

No one asked why I was wiping away tears. I’m still not sure how I can explain it. There’s the easy answer: I’m a sucker for Disney music and classics like “When You Wish Upon a Star” backed by fireworks get to me, just like the Disney Imagineers intended. That’s part of it, of course, but the music and show were just a backdrop to my own feelings about where I’m at in my life right now.

I’m far from finishing graduate school. Last year, I dropped out of a boot camp to work on my dissertation proposal before the first meeting. That set the tone for the academic year. I didn’t make any progress on my proposal, avoided meeting with my advisor and only stepped into the Moore Hall, home of the education department, to visit friends. I skipped the graduation ceremony as I didn’t want to be reminded that I was so off track. I’m unsure of what this next year brings. I’d like to take a year off, but this depends on my advisor’s approval.

Three years ago, a similar situation had me depressed and miserable. This time around, it hardly bothers me. What little anxiety I feel about school is offset by the great feelings I get when I think about others areas of my life. I’m happy and healthier than I’ve been in my adult life. I know I can count on my family, boyfriend and close friends for support or just to lend an ear.

I’m not sure what comes next. I’m okay with that.


5 thoughts on “Balance

  1. Yeah man, totally take a year off. Or take five years off. What the hell … life is long and we’ll end up with 10 different careers by the end of it anyway. You’ve got the right perspective – what’s important is to be healthy and happy. If you’re not enjoying yourself do something else. Abrazo de osos.

  2. another ABD says:

    Hi – I really enjoy reading your blog – which I discovered via a link on LA Observed. I’m also ABD and find myself in a similar situation right now. But you hit it on the head – balance and support from people in your life will guide you through as you try to figure out what’s next. Some time way might help you reignite your passion for your disseration or maybe allow you to find another path that will make you happy.

  3. -k- says:

    I’m a week in and not sure I made the right decision or am in the right place. Maybe it’s too soon to fairly judge. But these aren’t feelings I expected to have until much later. I hope it gets better.

    As for you, I’m so happy you’re in a good place. That sense of balance should go a long way in helping you make the decisions you need to make. Suerte.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s