Friday afternoons have never dragged on as much as they have the last 5 weeks. I want to get home and be with Xavi and Sean. I can’t wait to see his little gummy smile again.
Author Archives: cindylu
Envy and perspective
Note: I wrote this a few weeks ago while still on maternity leave.
Years ago Lori told me about a conversation she had with our mom.
Mom: I want Cindy to hurry up, get married and have kids so I can quit my job and be her babysitter.
Lori: Do you only want to be Cindy’s babysitter? What about me?!
Mom: Oh, I didn’t think you’d want me to watch your kids because we clash a lot.
Lori: Of course I would. You raised us and did an awesome job.
I don’t know if I was even seeing anyone at the time, but I remember thinking this arrangement would be awesome. I could work and still make sure my future child was with someone I trusted and was great with children. Not only had my mom been a stay at home mom and raised four children, she had also worked in primary education for several years with special needs children. Oh, and this was way, way, way before I even had a clue about childcare rates in Los Angeles.
As awesome as it would be for grandma to be the babysitter, I knew it was unlikely in my case. My parents need those benefits attached to my mom’s job. (Dad is self-employed.) My in-laws are both retired but live in New York, so that’s out of the question too.
Throughout pregnancy I kept thinking of that conversation. I was so envious of friends and cousins with this arrangement. As I prepare to go back to work and figure out our childcare plans, the green-eyed monster returned especially as I stared at our budget spreadsheet.
And then I thought about what I do have and what I am grateful for.
A healthy, happy Xavi.
An engaged and fully committed partner in parenting
It’d be too sappy to enumerate the many ways Sean is the partner I need. I have no doubt his love, support and help will ease the transition.
Grandparents!
While neither set of grandparents can be full-time caretakers, they have been immensely supportive and loving. My in-laws spoiled their first grandchild with several of the big ticket baby items. We’ll be seeing them soon too. My parents have been around at least once a week to visit Xavi as well as help Sean and I with things we don’t get to as new parents (household chores, bringing prepared meals). As soon as we’re ready to leave him, they’ll jump at the chance to babysit too.
I was lucky enough to get to know all four grandparents. Xavi has four grandparents and two great-grandparents. Lucky kid.
Siblings and extended family nearby
It was super nice to have my siblings drop by during maternity leave just to visit or help out with Xavi for a few hours. There’s no shortage of people who would jump at the chance to babysit him if we need a night out.
A job
I like my job. I miss my co-workers and the students. I’ve seen them a couple of times since July at the closing dinner for one of the research programs and a staff appreciation bowling outing. My job is generally stress free and rewarding. More practically, I don’t work crazy hours and have a short commute (for LA). I can’t forget that I also have excellent benefits. Health insurance should be it’s own category.
Maternity leave
I’ve been off for the better part of three months. Most of my leave has been paid even though I wasn’t able to use my short-term disability insurance (I set it up wrong when I was hired in my current position). Fortunately, since I’ve been employed at the university at least part time since 2006, I had a lot of sick, vacation and comp time saved up. I could have taken off about another 6 weeks but we can’t afford to be a single income family that long.
A rent-controlled apartment
This is big. We have plenty of space for our little family and short commutes to our workplaces. While I sometimes complain about our neighbors, the neighborhood is nice, generally safe, walk/run-able, and is kid-friendly.
Options
Jaclyn Day’s post on childcare and maternity leave really hit home.
They [46 million people in poverty] are the mothers and fathers who have few options and who can’t make the “hard” choices about breastfeeding, childcare and what elaborate decorations to have at their child’s first birthday party, because there may be no choices to be had.
Our budget might be tight, but we’re still quite privileged. I’ll keep that in perspective as I make another big transition.
Missing my baby: On returning to work
On the Monday I returned to work, I cried. A lot. I cried as I kissed Xavi goodbye and left him with Lupe, the babysitter. I cried as I shut the door behind me and walked the ten steps to my car. I cried as I drove to work on auto-pilot after so many years of driving and running the same route.
To calm myself down, I prayed a few Hail Marys. I needed whatever help la Virgencita could offer. I repeated mantras to myself. You’ll get through this. Xavi will be okay. You’ll get through this. Xavi won’t have any trouble taking the bottle from Lupe*. Sí se puede. You can rush home if you need to. He’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. We can get through this. Don’t stress. It’s not good for you or your milk supply. Lots of mothers do this and survive. You’ve done difficult things before. This isn’t too different.
Of course, those difficult experiences were nothing like this. This was on another level. It was hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
I left my baby, my Xavi Monster with the huge bright eyes and silly smile. I’d leave him again the next day and the day after that. I’d be away from him for 8+ hours 5 days a week for the foreseeable future. Ugh.
I tried not to think about the long term and instead focus on the now and the positives. I had 14 weeks of (mostly) paid maternity leave and got to spend a ton of time with Xavi in those crucial first few months. I enjoyed the job I was returning to and liked my co-workers.
I’d be fine. I’d get through the day and the following days. I’d be fine. More importantly, Xavi would be fine.
Twenty minutes later, I was driving in to the parking structure. I had finally gotten the crying under control. As I walked toward the office loaded down with bags (pump with extra parts and bottles, purse, and lunch bag with extra snacks for my stash), I realized that campus hadn’t changed. I chose to walk through the mini zen garden hoping it’d calm me more.
The mantras and garden were all for naught because as soon as I opened the office door and the student workers and my colleagues exclaimed “Cindy!” I lost it again. I couldn’t even look at my co-worker D — clearly happy to have me back — without crying. And I couldn’t say more than “I’m a mess. I forgot my keys.” D gave me a tight hug and let me in to my office.
On the dry erase board my colleagues wrote a welcome back note. There were more surprises waiting for me in my office.
The balloons and fresh sunflowers were a nice touch and definitely made me feel loved. I left them there for the week until the office started smelling like stinky latex and I got annoyed of walking around them.
I got through the rest of the day fine with lots of tissues, staring at my desktop wallpaper (above) and text message photos from Lupe. Xavi looked content, even happy. He had no problem taking the bottle.
Shortly before 5, I rushed home. Xavi was just as calm as when I’d left. In fact, his transition has gone much smoother than mine. Lupe loves working with him and has nothing but good things to say about his behavior.
The first week went by quickly. Since I was catching up on three months of missed work, e-mails and the like, I didn’t have much time to feel sorry for myself after the first few hours. The second week has gone by more slowly as the rush of the first week subsided. Plus, I’ve had one 12 hour day thanks to an evening event. Pumping in my office is still awkward, but I’ve gotten used to it. I’m lucky enough to have the lone fully private office. The coordinators’ offices have windows facing the rest of the office, but mine is the only one with blinds on that window. Fortunately, I haven’t had any issues with a drop in supply which I worried about since I didn’t have much of a freezer supply of milk built up.
Sean has been amazing. He does all the bottle and pump part washing and sterilizing nightly. In the morning, he prepares the bottles for Lupe, puts my pump parts in my bag and makes coffee. The coffee is super necessary as I’m sleeping less than I did when I was on maternity leave. I no longer have the luxury of going back to sleep until 9/10 after the first morning feeding around 5/6 am.
The toughest part of my day is still leaving Xavi in the morning — even though now there are no tears.
The best part is when I get home and get to hold, play and cuddle with Xavi.
*Up until the Sunday before I returned to work, bottle feeding was still hit or miss. Mainly miss. I had a “duh” moment when I realized Sean or the babysitter should use a shirt with my scent on it to trick him. It worked
Nap time reading
While the baby naps in my arms, I typically go through some form of social media and check out interesting news and stories. Or I binge watch The West Wing. Recent favorite reads:
The Poem That Made Sherman Alexie Want to ‘Drop Everything and Be a Poet’ [The Atlantic]
I have no shame in admitting that I’m an Alexie fangirl. I was so disappointed when I heard he was in LA recently for a book signing and I didn’t find out until a week later. (He doesn’t advertise his readings on Twitter, but his feed is very entertaining.) Anyway, this piece for The Atlantic’s “By the Heart” series was enlightening and inspirational. I’m grateful his poetry professor gave him the book that included the life altering poem.
At the same time, I’d never seen myself in a work of literature. I loved books, always, but I didn’t know Indians wrote books or poems. And then to see myself so fully understood in one line of a poem, as though that one line of a poem written by someone else was my autobiography … It was like understanding human language for the first time. It was like hearing the first words ever spoken by a human being, and understanding for the first time the immense communicative power of language.
I had never intellectualized this feeling that I’d had my entire life. And then, to hear the thing aloud. To see it in print. These are the kind of emotions that nobody puts words to, at least not where I’m from. So an intellectual and emotional awakening were fused in this one line. They came together and slapped me upside the head.
Gibson In ’88: ‘It’s A Good Story’ [ESPN]
Tuesday, October 15th marked the 25th anniversary of the most dramatic, amazing, awesome walk-off home run in Dodger history. I don’t remember seeing it live, but do remember those playoffs and being excited that my dad caught a ball at one of the NLDS games against the Mets. I have seen Kirk Gibson’s home run dozens of times as it’s played on the Dodger jumbo screen all the time, but didn’t know everything going on behind the scenes. And there was a lot!
Arash Markazi interviewed players from the ’88 Dodgers, A’s, coaches and management to fill in the story.
One of my favorite parts was reading Vin Scully’s role in motivating the very injured Gibson to stop icing, suit-up, take some practice swings with the bat boy and tell Tommy Lasorda he could pinch hit in a close game.
Vin Scully (Dodgers announcer 1950-present, NBC announcer 1983-89): In the middle of the ninth inning of that game, we were in commercial, and I had told the producer and director, ‘When we come out of commercial, follow me.’ You don’t do that very often, but, in this instance, I felt it was important, so, when we came out of commercial, there was a shot from the blimp of Dodger Stadium and I said, ‘If you’re in the ballpark with binoculars, your first thought would be, late in the game, Is Kirk Gibson in the Dodgers’ dugout? The answer would appear to be no.’ They did a slow pan from one end of the dugout to the other, and I basically said Kirk Gibson will not play tonight.
Gibson: I was sitting there, and, when Vin said that, I stood up and said, ‘My a–!’ It was time to go get dressed. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have gotten dressed if he hadn’t said it, but he did say it, and I was vocal about it with whoever who was around me at the time.
The playoffs have been stress inducing lately. Xavi and I are crossing our fingers in hopes of celebrating another improbable, impossible victory.
Go Dodgers!
I’ve been following Jaclyn Day’s blog for a couple of years, but never really paid attention to anything aside her affordable fashion posts. I was missing out, but perhaps it’s good that I’m just finding some of these posts months later when I’m at the beginning of my own parenting experience and can relate to her fretting over the cost of childcare or dealing with her post-pregnancy body image issues.
These posts hit home:
The things about parenting we don’t talk about — on maternity leave, childcare and the privileges some parents have/don’t have
No easy answer — sharing photos and videos of our children on social media
Four days in September
Saturday, September 7th | 5 weeks and 2 days
By early September, breastfeeding had improved but I didn’t actually feel successful. Xavi was generally content after feedings and had enough wet/dirty diapers but he wasn’t growing out of newborn clothes or diapers. And since we wouldn’t be seeing the doctor again until his 2 month check-up, I had no clue about his weight gain. I considered going back to the lactation consultant, but kept putting it off. Instead, I looked up infant scales and asked Sean to pick one up on his weekly trip to Babies R Us for diapers.
As soon as Sean got home we set it up and weighed Xavi before his bath.
8 pounds, 2.5 ounces.
I quickly did some math and once again looked up the average weekly weight gain for breastfed babies. He was right on track and it made me feel so much better about my efforts. I know numbers don’t always tell the whole story, but they provided the reassurance and encouragement I needed. They put me at ease that my efforts were paying off. Most importantly, it was confirmation that Xavi was getting what he needed.
Thursday, September 12th | 6 weeks
We received a lot of great gifts for Xavier. One of those was the Fisher-Price My Little Snugabunny swing. Sean set it up in the living room. For the past few months it’s sat there largely unused taking up space and occasionally tripping us up as we get too close to the legs.
Sean and I had both tried to put Xavi in the swing, but he always fussed. It didn’t have the magical calming and sleep inducing effect I read about with other swings. Sean wondered if Xavi disliked the positioning. I feared that the gift would never be used.
So it was a pleasant surprise when I put Xavi down to make lunch. I closed the blinds and sat down to eat lunch. Xavi stared at the birds and his reflection. After 15 minutes he had fallen asleep. He stayed asleep for over 2.5 hours, the most he’s napped during the day on his own (not held by me, Sean or another family member). While Xavi slept, I was able to get some housework and writing done.
By the time he woke up, I was more than ready to feed and cuddle my baby. While those hours to myself felt freeing, I missed Xavi. Since that afternoon, I’ve found the swing pretty reliable for naps.
Sean calls it the chore enabler.
Saturday, September 14th | 6 weeks and 2 days
It was a lazy Saturday morning. Sean was watching TV or reading comics. I was perusing a new moms Facebook group. Another mom posted the following:
New Mamas Get Nothing Done (and other untruths)
Original poster: So true, it made me cry.
I read the linked blog post and had the same reaction. I shared it with Sean and then posted my own pithy response: I feel accomplished when I eat a few times, shower and get dressed…
Seriously. I was not prepared for that fact and even if someone told me that I might not have a chance to brush my teeth some days until well until the afternoon I would’ve shrugged it off and thought they were exaggerating, doing something wrong, or had a difficult baby. I needed to learn this one on my own.
Reading that blog post assured me that I wasn’t the only one — are you ever the only one when it comes to mom/parent experiences? — and that it was okay to just be in my pajamas all day cuddling and feeding Xavier.
We were doing something (like champs!) and that something was my most important responsibility.
Saturday, September 28th | 8 weeks and 2 days
On Thursday we met with a potential fill-time babysitter. When I told her that Xavi had not yet taken a bottle of pumped breast milk she looked a little worried.
“Good luck with that,” I imagined her thinking.
We — er, Sean — tried after 6 weeks. I wanted to make sure breastfeeding was going well and had no issues with my supply. Sean tried twice. Both times Xavi refused the bottle. The situations weren’t ideal. I was home in another room or the shower. Also, Xavi was already getting to the hunger point where he was fussy. A bottle just wouldn’t do. The milk went to waste. Ugh.
This afternoon, I left Sean with 3 ounces of freshly pumped milk and a napping baby. I set out for an easy run walk with my cell phone.
“If he doesn’t take it, let me know. I won’t go far.”
I set off down the block feeling strange to be out without baby and stroller. The huge cracks in the sidewalk didn’t bug me and the sunshine and light breeze felt good. Since it was my first “run” in a very long time and because I’m out of shape, I kept it really slow and did run/walk intervals. I felt proud of being able to slowly jog for 12 minutes without stopping except to tie my shoe.
After about 15 minute I received a photo from Sean of an empty bottle. He took his first bottle! I almost cheered. It was such a relief to know at least one aspect of my return to work would be a little easier.
There were three firsts that day:
1. Xavi took a bottle of breast milk.
2. I went on a postpartum run/walk.
3. I was away from Xavi for more than 30 minutes. (The next day I’d be away for 3 hours. Success was mixed, but we were all happy to be reunited.)
Lotería Chicana 