When I was on maternity leave one of my favorite things to do was take Xavi for walks around 5 pm. We’d wander the neighborhood and then meet up with Sean on his walk home from the train station.
I’d text him: I’m the one walking the stroller.
When we encountered each other on the sidewalk, he’d smile and say “Hi family.”
Once I returned to work, I stopped taking those short walks since it was often feeding time when I got home. Plus, by the time I got Xavi ready to go out, it’d be dark and cool. I missed it.
The week before Christmas was different. I got home a little earlier and it was hardly even cold out. On that Tuesday, I put Xavi in a sweater and texted Sean about his expected arrival at the train station. Since he would be 20 minutes later than usual, I decided to meander through the neighborhood checking out Christmas lights.
With Xavi in the Baby Bjorn, we walked up and down the block and surrounding streets. I pointed out lawn decorations like inflatable Santas, reindeer and snowmen. I tried to get Xavi interested in the lights, but he didn’t seem impressed probably because he couldn’t touch them or put them in his mouth. Two streets over, we stood on the sidewalk in front of one of the more elaborately decorated homes on the block. I showed Xavi the mini Christmas trees lighting the walkway and the other decorations.
Behind us, an older man and his granddaughter parked on the street and got out of their car.
“Look, sweetie, they’re admiring our Christmas lights.”
“They’re nice! I wanted to show him the lights in the neighborhood.” I responded.
The little girl just looked at us, but the man came closer and began asking about Xavi.
“Oh, he’s so small. How old?”
“Four and half months.”
He talked to Xavi and made him giggle.
“Is he yours?”
“Yes,” I replied feeling uneasy and wondering all sorts of things. “I gotta get going. Merry Christmas!”
I walked away and toward the usual meeting-up place with Sean thinking about the comment and what I had read from other women who have mixed race kids.
A week later, I got the same question. This time, Xavi was asleep in the stroller and we were out for a late morning walk. Two elderly women stepped to the side to let me through over a busted up section of the sidewalk.
“What do we have here?” the first one said in that high-pitched ‘it’s a baby!!!’ voice.
I stopped so she could look at Xavi. They started asking questions and commenting on his appearance. How old? His name? Oh, he’s sleeping. Oh my, so much hair! He’s adorable. As they spoke, Xavi stirred and opened up his eyes.
Oh no, they’re gonna wake him up, I thought.
“Is he yours?”
“Yes,” I said while my face screamed “of course he’s mine, you nosy dimwit!” I imagine my face gave away my feelings.
“Oh, he does look like mom,” she said to her friend.
“Have a good day,” I said ready to keep moving.
I walked the rest of the way trying to figure out why I’d been asked the question twice. There were two obvious reasons:
1. They think I’m the nanny because I’m Chicana and there are lot of families in the area who employ Latina caretakers for their kids — self included. If you go to the local park, most of the adults there on a late weekday morning will be Latinas in their 30s and 40s looking after mainly white toddlers and babies. Plus, the neighborhood I was walking through is wealthy and predominantly white. The Latinos I see there are often working in construction, landscaping and childcare. (I live a 10 minute walk away, but am used to running/walking through the area because I get in some hill work. Definitely not rich.)
2. They don’t think Xavi looks like me because he’s mixed race and thus has browner skin and curly hair.
The second explanation seems more plausible in both instances. In the first, I was carrying Xavi in the Baby Bjorn and in my limited experience baby carrying seems like the domain of a mother or father. It was also evening. Second, one woman even brought up the resemblance seemingly to put me at ease and address the faux pas of asking the question in the first place.
I know mothers and fathers of mixed race children get this question. I’ve heard of moms making t-shirts saying “I’m not the nanny” and stories from parents who get scolded by judgmental strangers for speaking Spanish or another native language with kids at the playground in a “I don’t think the child’s parents would appreciate that” sense. I even thought I’d hear the questions or get the looks at one point, but didn’t think it would happen just five months in to motherhood.
I love that Xavi is a mix of our racial and ethnic backgrounds. He’ll grow up knowing he has roots in Mexico and Jamaica, southern California and New York. He’ll know rancheras and reggae, curry goat and birria de chivo, the beaches of Montego Bay and Mazatlán. He’ll cheer for Jamaican sprinters in the summer Olympics and el Tricolor in the World Cup. He’ll hear the lilting Jamaican accent of his grandparents Kenton and Eula and Spanish and Spanglish from his abuelitos Luz and Carlos. He may even roll his eyes when I say that he is Jamexican finding it corny and preferring Blaxican.
I hope he never feels the pit in his stomach when someone questions if I’m his mom or Sean’s his dad because we’re a lighter or darker shade of brown.
And if he does, I hope that he brings his grade A side-eye and WTF face along with a polite, “Yes, she’s my mom…” followed by an under the breath, “y que te importa?”
17 thoughts on “The boy is mine”
I have been reading your blog for a while now and I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with a Blaxican baby boy. The way you expressed yourself in this blog helped me calm my nerves in how I would deal with when it happens to me. Thank you!
I love, love, love, this post, has to be one of my favorites.
There was another article about this recently (can’t remember where I read it) and I can’t believe people would say that to you! So obnoxious.
I’m sorry you have to deal with questions like that…I can’t imagine asking someone if a child is “theirs” regardless of the circumstances. People have no manners.
Cindy, that question is something I wonder if I’ll be asked if Joel and I ever have children — or that our families may have to address if they’re taking care of them. I hope that if I’m ever in that situation, I handle it as gracefully and calmly as you did.
“y que te importa?” Yes the perfect response.
I can’t believe the nerve of some people. My husband does HVAC and he wears khaki pants and sometimes a sun hat in the summer. He was walking outside on his way to his work van to retrieve more tools for the job he was working on. A guy walked by him and told him, “wow I really like what you have done here”, indicating the lawn and flowers. He assumed my husband was the landscaper for the building.
I also work in higher ed. When a new Dean was hired, the support staff met with her to introduce ourselves and so forth. During our conversation she had the nerve to ask me, “What generation are you?” She was my new boss and very intimidating so I couldn’t be rude. But, inside I was crushed. What damn difference does it make?
Your little Xavi is darn cute! He gives great side eye too!
How annoying, and interesting interview you linked.
Hopefully X will grow up in an environment that is less presumptuous. I get the feeling this is an experience that many of his peers will have, too!
Really enjoyed this post. Do you read Daddy Doin’ Work? He’s been in the news lately … I think you’ll like his blog.
I just heard of that blog after posting this. I liked what I read.
Congrats on your pregnancy. I don’t remember worrying about this too much when I was pregnant and definitely didn’t think it would happen so soon since my kid is basically the same skin tone as my brothers.
Ooh! I’m sure we could trade more stories like this from the higher ed. I remember hearing about a professor who had just bought a home in a nearby neighborhood. He’s Latino, former military. One day he was out mowing his lawn and his new neighbor came out to ask for his card… Yeah. The directors/ADs of my office are all PhDs. The women who are Latina nearly always were much more dressed up. I don’t know if they did it because that was their style or if because they knew that to be taken seriously they needed to look more professional.
I was the dark-skinned child of a fair-skinned Asian woman. I’m sure my mother heard, “Is she yours?” most of my young life. My MexiPakiPino daughters have much lighter complexions than I do. They have “She’s my mommy, not my nanny” t-shirts and as for others who feel the need to question our relationship, I have no problem making it clear. Hopefully it helps them remember that people -including parents and offspring- come in different colors. Although I will admit to asking, “Is he/she YOURS?” a time or two 😉 Xavi will be fine… and at least twice as awesome.
i can and can’t believe this question. what’s the purpose of the question anyway? cuando aprende la gente estupida…just appreciate the beauty and don’t question it!!!
I’m so sorry that people can be so rude! I would have hoped that in a multicultural city like LA, people wouldn’t make this sort of comments. My husband and I get this a lot with our son. We are just about the same shade of light brown, but our son came out very, very fair skinned. People think he doesn’t belong to either of us, but Latinos come in all shades! We both have families with varying skin tones, so who knows what our next one (or your next one) will look like! Xavi is gorgeous and I think he looks like a blend of you both!
People are just annoying.
My husband gets that a lot because his older kids’ mom is of Spanish, Mexican and Native American descent and he is of northern European descent. They are all dark and he had them when he was pretty young. When he goes out with his older daughters, he always gets the side-eye (and lecherous comments) from people thinking he is totally robbing the cradle with these gorgeous, hot Latina women.
I get asked if my kids are my grandkids 😦 I want to scream “F YOU! I’m NOT THAT OLD!” But the reality is…I am