On the Monday I returned to work, I cried. A lot. I cried as I kissed Xavi goodbye and left him with Lupe, the babysitter. I cried as I shut the door behind me and walked the ten steps to my car. I cried as I drove to work on auto-pilot after so many years of driving and running the same route.

To calm myself down, I prayed a few Hail Marys. I needed whatever help la Virgencita could offer. I repeated mantras to myself. You’ll get through this. Xavi will be okay. You’ll get through this. Xavi won’t have any trouble taking the bottle from Lupe*. Sí se puede. You can rush home if you need to. He’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. We can get through this. Don’t stress. It’s not good for you or your milk supply. Lots of mothers do this and survive. You’ve done difficult things before. This isn’t too different.

Of course, those difficult experiences were nothing like this. This was on another level. It was hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I left my baby, my Xavi Monster with the huge bright eyes and silly smile. I’d leave him again the next day and the day after that. I’d be away from him for 8+ hours 5 days a week for the foreseeable future. Ugh.

I tried not to think about the long term and instead focus on the now and the positives. I had 14 weeks of (mostly) paid maternity leave and got to spend a ton of time with Xavi in those crucial first few months. I enjoyed the job I was returning to and liked my co-workers.

I’d be fine. I’d get through the day and the following days. I’d be fine. More importantly, Xavi would be fine.

Twenty minutes later, I was driving in to the parking structure. I had finally gotten the crying under control. As I walked toward the office loaded down with bags (pump with extra parts and bottles, purse, and lunch bag with extra snacks for my stash), I realized that campus hadn’t changed. I chose to walk through the mini zen garden hoping it’d calm me more.

The mantras and garden were all for naught because as soon as I opened the office door and the student workers and my colleagues exclaimed “Cindy!” I lost it again. I couldn’t even look at my co-worker D — clearly happy to have me back — without crying. And I couldn’t say more than “I’m a mess. I forgot my keys.” D gave me a tight hug and let me in to my office.

On the dry erase board my colleagues wrote a welcome back note. There were more surprises waiting for me in my office.

The balloons and fresh sunflowers were a nice touch and definitely made me feel loved. I left them there for the week until the office started smelling like stinky latex and I got annoyed of walking around them.

I got through the rest of the day fine with lots of tissues, staring at my desktop wallpaper (above) and text message photos from Lupe. Xavi looked content, even happy. He had no problem taking the bottle.

Shortly before 5, I rushed home. Xavi was just as calm as when I’d left. In fact, his transition has gone much smoother than mine. Lupe loves working with him and has nothing but good things to say about his behavior.

The first week went by quickly. Since I was catching up on three months of missed work, e-mails and the like, I didn’t have much time to feel sorry for myself after the first few hours. The second week has gone by more slowly as the rush of the first week subsided. Plus, I’ve had one 12 hour day thanks to an evening event. Pumping in my office is still awkward, but I’ve gotten used to it. I’m lucky enough to have the lone fully private office. The coordinators’ offices have windows facing the rest of the office, but mine is the only one with blinds on that window. Fortunately, I haven’t had any issues with a drop in supply which I worried about since I didn’t have much of a freezer supply of milk built up.

Sean has been amazing. He does all the bottle and pump part washing and sterilizing nightly. In the morning, he prepares the bottles for Lupe, puts my pump parts in my bag and makes coffee. The coffee is super necessary as I’m sleeping less than I did when I was on maternity leave. I no longer have the luxury of going back to sleep until 9/10 after the first morning feeding around 5/6 am.

The toughest part of my day is still leaving Xavi in the morning — even though now there are no tears.

The best part is when I get home and get to hold, play and cuddle with Xavi.

*Up until the Sunday before I returned to work, bottle feeding was still hit or miss. Mainly miss. I had a “duh” moment when I realized Sean or the babysitter should use a shirt with my scent on it to trick him. It worked

Saturday, September 7th | 5 weeks and 2 days

By early September, breastfeeding had improved but I didn’t actually feel successful. Xavi was generally content after feedings and had enough wet/dirty diapers but he wasn’t growing out of newborn clothes or diapers. And since we wouldn’t be seeing the doctor again until his 2 month check-up, I had no clue about his weight gain. I considered going back to the lactation consultant, but kept putting it off. Instead, I looked up infant scales and asked Sean to pick one up on his weekly trip to Babies R Us for diapers.

As soon as Sean got home we set it up and weighed Xavi before his bath.

8 pounds, 2.5 ounces.

I quickly did some math and once again looked up the average weekly weight gain for breastfed babies. He was right on track and it made me feel so much better about my efforts. I know numbers don’t always tell the whole story, but they provided the reassurance and encouragement I needed. They put me at ease that my efforts were paying off. Most importantly, it was confirmation that Xavi was getting what he needed.

Thursday, September 12th | 6 weeks

We received a lot of great gifts for Xavier. One of those was the Fisher-Price My Little Snugabunny swing. Sean set it up in the living room. For the past few months it’s sat there largely unused taking up space and occasionally tripping us up as we get too close to the legs.

Sean and I had both tried to put Xavi in the swing, but he always fussed. It didn’t have the magical calming and sleep inducing effect I read about with other swings. Sean wondered if Xavi disliked the positioning. I feared that the gift would never be used.

So it was a pleasant surprise when I put Xavi down to make lunch. I closed the blinds and sat down to eat lunch. Xavi stared at the birds and his reflection. After 15 minutes he had fallen asleep. He stayed asleep for over 2.5 hours, the most he’s napped during the day on his own (not held by me, Sean or another family member). While Xavi slept, I was able to get some housework and writing done.

By the time he woke up, I was more than ready to feed and cuddle my baby. While those hours to myself felt freeing, I missed Xavi. Since that afternoon, I’ve found the swing pretty reliable for naps.

Sean calls it the chore enabler.

Saturday, September 14th | 6 weeks and 2 days

It was a lazy Saturday morning. Sean was watching TV or reading comics. I was perusing a new moms Facebook group. Another mom posted the following:

New Mamas Get Nothing Done (and other untruths)
Original poster: So true, it made me cry.

I read the linked blog post and had the same reaction. I shared it with Sean and then posted my own pithy response: I feel accomplished when I eat a few times, shower and get dressed…

Seriously. I was not prepared for that fact and even if someone told me that I might not have a chance to brush my teeth some days until well until the afternoon I would’ve shrugged it off and thought they were exaggerating, doing something wrong, or had a difficult baby. I needed to learn this one on my own.

Reading that blog post assured me that I wasn’t the only one — are you ever the only one when it comes to mom/parent experiences? — and that it was okay to just be in my pajamas all day cuddling and feeding Xavier.

We were doing something (like champs!) and that something was my most important responsibility.

Saturday, September 28th | 8 weeks and 2 days

On Thursday we met with a potential fill-time babysitter. When I told her that Xavi had not yet taken a bottle of pumped breast milk she looked a little worried.

“Good luck with that,” I imagined her thinking.

We — er, Sean — tried after 6 weeks. I wanted to make sure breastfeeding was going well and had no issues with my supply. Sean tried twice. Both times Xavi refused the bottle. The situations weren’t ideal. I was home in another room or the shower. Also, Xavi was already getting to the hunger point where he was fussy. A bottle just wouldn’t do. The milk went to waste. Ugh.

This afternoon, I left Sean with 3 ounces of freshly pumped milk and a napping baby. I set out for an easy run walk with my cell phone.

“If he doesn’t take it, let me know. I won’t go far.”

I set off down the block feeling strange to be out without baby and stroller. The huge cracks in the sidewalk didn’t bug me and the sunshine and light breeze felt good. Since it was my first “run” in a very long time and because I’m out of shape, I kept it really slow and did run/walk intervals. I felt proud of being able to slowly jog for 12 minutes without stopping except to tie my shoe.

After about 15 minute I received a photo from Sean of an empty bottle. He took his first bottle! I almost cheered. It was such a relief to know at least one aspect of my return to work would be a little easier.

There were three firsts that day:
1. Xavi took a bottle of breast milk.
2. I went on a postpartum run/walk.
3. I was away from Xavi for more than 30 minutes. (The next day I’d be away for 3 hours. Success was mixed, but we were all happy to be reunited.)

“Is it everything you expected?” Isabel asked. I think it was Isabel, but it may have been one of my other former roommates at the mini-reunion lunch to celebrate 15 years of friendship.

I didn’t know how to answer because I couldn’t clearly list my expectations. Sure, I had an idea, but it was pretty vague. I tried my best and said stuff about being tired and not sleeping much. Now after thinking about it for a few days, I have more to add about the first month.

Yes, it is everything I expected and more. It’s been difficult in ways I didn’t expect and rewarding. However, each day it just gets better as Xavier grows, becomes more alert and I feel less inept.

Expectation: We’ll get the hang of breastfeeding pretty quickly. It’s natural, how hard can it be?

Reality: Breastfeeding is freaking hard, painful (at least for me) and time consuming.

I knew that breastfeeding was a skill that must be learned by mother and child, but I naively expected that it would come easy for us. It didn’t. I blame myself. I should have done more to prepare and been more realistic about the challenges.

I did prepare. Before delivery, I met with a lactation consultant and attended the breastfeeding with success class. After Xavier was born, I saw three separate lactation consultants 4 times, but only 2 had a chance to see me nurse. I think the biggest mistake I made was checking out before seeing the on-duty LC. I saw another LC in clinic on day 5 and 8. By day 8, I’d already cried in frustration and pain a few times and really needed her assistance.

It’s getting better. Xavier is latching on better (no pain!) as he grows and we try different positions. I know he is getting enough by his wet/dirty diaper count and growth. He may still be small, but the newborn clothes that looked huge on him initially are more fitted. And there are a lot of moments while I’m feeding him and just staring at his little face and cheeks feeling all warm and fuzzy.

I also didn’t expect breastfeeding to be a topic of conversation. I don’t mind the comments, mainly because they’re positive and pro-breastfeeding. It is weird to answer questions from neighbors about how it’s going, if my milk came in or if I have enough.

[We weighed him recently and his weight gain is right on track. That makes me feel so much better about breastfeeding.]

Expectation: I won’t get much sleep at night, but I’ll sleep when the baby sleeps to make up for it.

Reality: I sleep in short 2-3 hour stretches at night, but not much when he naps during the day.

Initially, the sleep deprivation didn’t feel that bad since it was pretty new and he was sleeping a lot. I feel more tired now as Xavier sleeps less during the day and the tiredness from the past few weeks sort of accumulates. He sleeps for intervals of about 3 hours between 9/10 pm and 9/10 am and 2 hours during the day. The night feedings have been getting easier to deal with if I keep him in bed with us rather than swaddled in the Pack n’ Play napper. Swaddling works best when Sean does it at night, during the day he breaks out of it. I don’t sleep much during the day since his naps are shorter then, he wants to be held and will wake if I put him down about 60% of the time, and I’m not a daytime napper in general. Plus, sometimes I’d rather shower, eat, or pump during his naps.

Expectation: The first few months are like the third trimester and babies need to be held a lot.

Reality: Xavier wants to be held all the time, even when sleeping.

I don’t have a problem with this since I’ve been waiting months to hold my son. However, there are times when I would like to take a shower or use the bathroom without worrying that he’ll wake up as soon as I place him in the napper. If Sean is home or we have visitors, I’ll feed Xavier and then get a little break to nap or do something else while someone else holds him during his nap.

Expectation: Going anywhere with a baby will be a production. You can’t just spontaneously pick up and go out.

Reality: I’m a little anxious about going out with him and have become a bit of a homebody.

In the first week home, I only went out for appointments with the doctor and lactation consultant. After a week of this and feeling like I was getting cabin fever, we finally got out for a short walk. After Sean returned to work, I’d take him out in the stroller to meet him on his walk home from the train station. I haven’t been out with him alone and still am working through the whole nursing in public issues.

Expectation: I’m going to need a lot of help from Sean and my family.

Reality: I needed the help and got it. Sean and my family have been the perfect support for this new mama.

I really haven’t done anything except care for Xavier in the first month. Everything else including cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry has been taken care of by Sean, my mom or my sister. My mom comes over to bond with her chulo, but will also start cleaning around the apartment as soon as Xavier shows signs that he’s hungry. She and Lori have cooked several meals and done grocery shopping. My brother sends over food from the restaurant where he works. Even my neighbor, Maria, has helped out with meals by making me oatmeal or soup. [Sidenote: I’ve been living in the same place for 13 years. Maria and her husband have been my upstairs neighbors the entire time. We’ve always had a cordial relationship, but hadn’t interacted much until recently so it’s been a pleasant surprise that she’s been so helpful.]

Expectation: Sean will be a wonderful father and partner in adventures in parenting.

Reality: Xavi and I couldn’t ask for better.

Sean does everything I do with Xavi except nurse. He returned to work after the first 10 days at home, but he gets home pretty much at the time of day I need help the most. Not only is he great with his son, he’s also done everything possible to ease my recovery and encourage me as I struggled with breastfeeding.

He’s also responsible for all the great pictures.

Expectation: My physical recovery would take a few weeks.

Reality: My recovery has gone well. I feel back to normal physically and any lingering pain/soreness has gone away.

I hope to be cleared after my 6-week check-up to begin running [slowly] again. For now, short walks with the stroller are about all the exercise I’m getting. I hope to get a wrap so I can wear him out.

Expectation: There would be a lot of diapers and some blowouts.

Reality: There have been a lot of diapers and a couple of messes.

We’ve both been peed on and have discovered that some diapers don’t work for us (ew, leaks) and babies can be really forceful with bowel movements.

Expectation: I’d fall in love instantly with Xavier and would be awed. It’ll make the challenges worth it.

Reality: I’m totally in love. I stare at him all the time and study his cute features, tiny hands, feet, etc. And yeah, there are tough moments, but they pass as soon as I see his eyes light, his lips part in to a grin, and he snuggles up next to me content and satisfied after eating.

I love the faces he makes when I talk or sing to him or after he’s just finished eating. He really likes the singing and looks at me in wonder. I love seeing Sean cuddle and rock Xavi to sleep. He’s still small, but growing steadily. At the two-week check-up he had gained back what he lost in the first few days and surpassed his birth weight. He still looks goofy in some of his newborn clothes. I do get a little frustrated after a long day when it’s just us two and I need a nap or he’s in the middle of a cluster feed. But then Sean gets home or Xavi goes down for a nap or I finally get a chance to shower/eat/sleep and everything is better. I even look forward to doing it again the next day and seeing what’s new with Xavier.